It was a little after 11:00 pm on a week day. James had to get to work early the next morning and I had a day full of errands to run and to-do's to get done. As I walked down the hall muttering my list of things to clean next James tiptoed out of the girls room after putting them to sleep and sweetly asked where the broom was so he could help me finish up the house. By this time, I was sweaty, tired, and my back was painfully numb - due to too many epidurals, oiy! I picked up the vacuum which was sitting at the top of the stairs and I began to work my way down our steep tile stairs. While leaning my sore back up against the railing trying to offset the weight of our cheap and heavy vacuum I let out a loud sigh with a tad bit of a grunt at the end.
My sweet husband put his hand on my shoulder and said softly but loud enough to reach over the roar of the vacuum, "Let me do this for you Brit. You get some sleep."
I looked up with pain in my eyes and replied, "No, I can do it. I did it while you were gone, I can do it now. I am fine." After I had said this, I noticed pain in his eyes as well. I could feel he had felt shut down and pushed away. As he walked off to bed I took a deep breath and realized the damage my pride may have just caused.
You see, I don't normally push people away due to anger, but out of pride. I am one who feels as though I need to prove my strength to others in order to feel as if I am worthy enough for a title. Whether that title be a mother, a wife, a cook, or a homemaker. I wasn't intentionally trying to hurt my husbands feelings or purposely trying to make him feel as if I don't need his help anymore. I realized what I had done and I felt horrible.
For the rest of the night I couldn't help but think of other times I had done exactly this. I have one memory of this same scenario that always comes back to haunt me.
When I was thirty-seven weeks pregnant with Eira, my lovely mother flew clear across the United States and over the Atlantic ocean in order to come help James and I prepare for our sweet baby's arrival and to also help take care of the older girls. I cannot explain exactly how excited I was to see her. It had been ten months since I had last seen my mother and I was craving a loving hug from her. We hadn't been reunited for longer than a few minutes before my "proving pride" I will call it, got in the way. As we were heading out to the airport parking garage my mother asked me to give her one of the babies so that I wouldn't have my hands so full. I immediately raised my eyebrow at her and said with a chuckle, "I am fine. I have done it all this time without you, I can do it now." At that moment, I didn't realize what damage I was causing when I spoke these words. Why I had said it was because I knew my mother was tired, sore, and hurting from her long flight and I didn't want to cause her any more pain by laying my over packed diaperbag and rowdy children on top of her as well as her own baggage. My mother, of course, insisted that I gave her some of the bags and one of the girls.
This happened many times in the two months she was visiting, both before and after I had the baby. I would often mutter these words when she offered her help no matter what I was doing. If I was sweeping, I said them. If I was loading and unloading the kids from the van, I said them. If I was carrying groceries up two flights of stairs at nine months pregnant, I said them. I wanted to prove to my mother that I was a great mother myself and that she taught me well. That is why I constantly repeated this sentence. Not to make her feel as if her long trip was for nothing, not to belittle her, and definitely not to hurt her.
After many weeks of not allowing my mother to help out much, she started to feel worthless. I remember a long talk we had sitting on the guest bed together.
We talked. We cried. We laughed. We cried some more.
It (for a lack of better words and a little goofiness added...) was glorious! This conversation was hands down one of the best talks I have ever shared with my mother. In that moment, I realized how deeply she does love me and that due to her deep and unconditional love, she flew thousands of miles to come be with me in my time of need. She wanted to help and she was willing to help, if only I would allow her to. Why I didn't realize this sooner, I have no idea.
But, even though she has forgiven me for my stubborn attitude and I have forgiven myself, it is hard for me to forget. I often think back to those couple months and wonder Why? Why didn't I realize the result of my actions sooner? Thinking back, I constantly feel guilty. I worry for the guilt I might carry if my mother was to someday soon pass and that was my last memory I have of her in my home.
Would I be proud of my last days spent with her? Did she leave this Earth knowing just how much I really do love and care for her and how much I am truly thankful to have her as my mother?
I know without a doubt that my mother would know that I loved her, but would she have truly known how much I cared for her? By my actions those few months, I am not sure she would have and that pains me thinking that someone I love so deeply could ever feel that way.
Having family be there for you - whether that be a new baby, deployments, in sickness, or in trialing times is such a blessing. I need to remind myself more often to not take what I have for granted. Whether it is my mother helping me unload the girls from the back of the van or my tired husband vacuuming the stairs for me so I can rest, I need to remember to let them help and make them feel needed and most importantly.... WANTED. I need to quit trying to prove to others I can do it all on my own, because well... let's be honest, we can't always do it all on our own. I look forward to getting pregnant again, having my mother fly over to visit me, and put her to work doing my dishes, laundry, cooking, and cleaning.
Did you hear that mom?! I have finally agreed to letting you do it ALL! *wink wink*
I am so grateful I have realized the dangers of my proving pride before I caused permanent damage and I am blessed beyond measure to have my amazing husband and sweet mother who both understand and forgive me for being prideful at times.
With that said, I am a very visual learner. So now, I am off to place sticky notes throughout my house with the words "Delete Proving Pride" to help remind me daily to step back and let those I love help me in times when I may need it.
